Wednesday, August 23, 2006

The Great Girl Scout Cookie Conspiracy

I am constantly amazed at how much people insist on ignoring facts that inconveniently get in their ways.

Take, for example, the people of Lebanon. Their country was nearly bombed back into the stone age by Israel because they've been allowing Hezbollah to store weapons in their homes and mosques. Now, are the Lebanese people saying to the world, "Maybe we should not have leased out our houses to store weapons"? Nope, they are decrying Israel's "crimes against humanity" without admitting that Lebanon essentially violated the Geneva Convention.

Take, for example, the thousands of people across the United States who have been influenced by media polls to view the war in Iraq as separate from the war on terrorism. Never the mind the fact that Osama Bin Laden's supporters have been flooding to Iraq for several years in a hopeless, mindless effort to attack American forces. The root cause of the war was ignorance. We didn't go in for the right reasons, but just as the American War Between the States changed its focus from states' rights to slavery, there has been a fundamental change in the focus of the Iraqi war.

Take, for example, the city of Houston's newly announced policy of not pursuing vehicles that break minor traffic laws. The thinking behind the policy is that too many high speed chases are resulting in death and injury. Okay, maybe the police need to rethink how they pursue people who break the law. But if someone runs a red light, shouldn't that person be given a ticket? Or should we just wait until they run one red light too many and kill someone? I have to agree with the officers on the street that this policy will be counter productive. If a police car turns its lights on behind me, I will stop. I won't try to outrun them. But how many other people will think, "Hey, all I have to do is speed up and I can get away with it"?

Take, for example, the search engine optimization specialists who disagreed with Google engineer Matt Cutts about the value of writing useful articles that readers will love. "No, Matt," they say, "you don't know as much about search engine optimization as we do."

People who are well-schooled in nonsense fail to recognize the truth when it comes beating down their door. That is the power of propaganda. That is why Islamic fundamentalists want to destroy secular schools in Afghanistan and replace them only with warrior-training Islamic schools. That's why some people insist that Frodo spoke to Gollum on Mount Doom, instead of the One Ring (which said to Gollum, "Begone! And trouble me no more. If you touch me ever again you shall be cast yourself into the Fire of Doom").

That's why, when the Girl Scouts come around every year, we buy their cookies. Yes, this is really all about Girl Scout Cookies. It's an evil conspiracy, intended to bring Americans to their knees (because we'll be too fat to see our toes). You've been trained to think that the Girl Scouts are just trying to raise money for their non-profit activities. But the truth is far more insidious. They are slowly poisoning our society with trans-fats, processed sugars, and cute pictures on boxes.

Don't believe me? Just wait. They'll be knocking on your door within a matter of months. Then see if you can resist the urge to buy. You won't even stop to think about their diabolical scheme. You'll just sign on the dotted line, along with me and all the other people conveniently ignoring the facts that get in our ways.


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