What a girl wants

My (now) ex-girlfriend and I stopped seeing each other recently. Okay, I stopped seeing her. I started to feel like things were no longer going in the direction I wanted, and I decided not to drag it out. Some of my friends think I bailed too soon, some of them think I bailed too late. I don't know. I started to see someone else, and in fact women seem to be coming out of the woodwork right now. I keep checking myself in the mirror to see if there is a "Now Available" neon sign glowing over my head, but I don't see it.

While I've always enjoyed attention from women, right now ain't the best time for it, in my opinion. I mean, yes, I reluctantly asked out someone who went out of her way to make it clear she wants to see me. And, as life will have it, I found out today that Linda is now seeing someone else. "Not like boyfriend and girlfriend, though!" Hm. Well, I still have feelings for her and that will take time to change.

Men wallow in their feelings. We're supposed to be Manly Men, Cool Cats, Smooth Dudes, etc. Women like confident, happy, secure, fun-loving men. I have to admit that the last month or so I spent with Linda things were anything but happy and fun. That's a sure sign you're not heading to the altar (although some people manage to stagger their way up the church steps anyway, and they use the Divorce Court exit in the back).

Women, on the other hand, seem to want to replace one relationship with another. I've never understood that. It's out-with-the-old-in-with-the-new. I've known a few solitary women, but only a very few. Most of the women I know are either very happy or at least admirably content in rock-solid relationships, or they show up with a new man on their arm every so often. In fact, many women tend to line up the next boyfriend before they get rid of the current one. Not all women do that, or so they say, but I've never seen a girl fail to bring out the new boyfriend at the appropriate time.

On rare occasions I've met honestly, legitimately single women through friends. Some psychologists estimate only 1 in 10 women are single at any given time. The highest estimate I have seen is 1 in 4 women are single at any given time. But what do these people mean by "single"? When a girl says, "I'm not seeing anyone", it can actually mean, "I'd like to see you" or "I have no interest in you, please get lost."

I have no idea of what's going on with Linda. Maybe she doesn't. When we were talking earlier today, I just didn't feel like talking. What was I supposed to say? She asked if I have a girlfriend yet. I said "No". Technically, I don't. To be honest, I don't want a girlfriend. I'd like to be with the happy Linda who enjoyed my company, but she's just a beautiful memory now. I suppose the happy Michael who enjoyed her company is just a memory, too.

I never really talked about the other women I've dated with Linda. When I was with her, I wanted to be with her and no one else (in my heart). I often found myself just staring at her face during those comfortable silences when the conversation died down. I caught her staring at me sometimes too.

So what happened? I guess we just wanted different things. I could speculate on cultural obstacles. All my Asian friends are convinced the cultural obstacles just impeded the relationship. I don't know. No one knows, except maybe Linda, but I doubt she really knows, either. We both just know that somewhere we stopped laughing and smiling together.

So, while I don't lack for opportunities, I want to take some time to let my feelings die down. I want to grieve a little, but not feel sorry for myself. Some of my friends have tried to console me but I don't want consolation. I just want a little time to get over it.

But why do these other women want to be with me? I mean, where is that neon sign?

I remember talking to my father about another girl once. He said, "Don't try to understand her. You won't be able to." I guess every father passes along that advice to his sons. Or they should. So, I don't pretend to understand women any better than the next guy.

I just know they'll flirt with me more when I'm not interested, and they'll ask me out (or ask me to ask them out in their roundabout "So, I'm not doing anything with my tons of spare time" way) when I'm not really available. I guess I am available, but I'm not ready to fall in love again.

I haven't fallen out of love yet. I think Linda has some lingering feelings too. She kept trying to engage me in conversation and maintain eye contact, but I'm just not going to play that game. We had our shot. Either it wasn't meant to be or we blew it. Or I blew it. Or she blew it. Doesn't matter.

It's over. I finally put her pictures away this evening.

All of them.

I want to remember the good times, not think about the times that won't be.

Anh yeu em.