Tuesday, January 03, 2006

When in doubt, change something

A friend and I checked out a new club here in Houston over the weekend. We got to talking about meeting girls (a natural guys-in-a-club topic, I suppose).

He has noticed in the past that I don't agonize over the problem. Well, of course, I'm seeing someone now (and we talked about her) but I haven't quite sold him on the value of learning to read body language.

As we stood at the bar, talking about the signs women give to men they are interested in, he asked me questions like, "So, what do you do first? Make eye contact?" Yeah, eye contact is good, but it may not mean anything.

Funny enough, as he asked that question, I noticed a girl walking toward us from the patio. She reached up and patted her hair. I thought to myself, "Who is the hairflip for?" There was a reasonably talk, dark-haired guy walking past her -- typical stereotype. I figured the hairflip was for him.

So, my friend and I go on talking about body language and confidence and dressing nice and all that. The girl walks around us and gets behind the bar. A couple of the other bartenders now come over and talk to her. My friend has his back to her, so I can look him in the eye and still see her over his shoulder.

"It amazes me how much confidence you have in your current relationship," my friend says. "How do you know this is the one?" Well, I don't know if she is "The One". But I do know that whenever I'm with her, I come away with a high that lasts for a couple of days. I don't get that feeling with other girls and I like it. So, I keep doing what I'm doing.

"And has she just 'be friended' you, yet?'" my friend asks. Ah, yes, the mythical "Let's Just Be Friends" kiss of death. Every guy fears it. Every guy hates it. I've had a few girls "BeFriend" me in the past.

Funny thing is, most of them ended up wanting to date me because I took them at their word and just became their friend. I didn't realize they were trying to say, "Hey, dude, I think you're a loser in the game of love and I don't want to be with you." So, imagine their surprise when I (naively) just made them friends and included them in my world anyway. I got to spend more time with some of those girls than their supposed "boy friends".

Of course, I lost all romantic interest in them. One girl said to me, "You know, you had a great chance with me three years ago."

I said, "Three years? After you said 'Let us just be friends?'"


I said, "Honey, you had your chance. You made your choice. I moved on. I never looked at you that way again."

Well, not entirely true. I realized later on that there was one day where we were lying on my living room floor, side-by-side, and I looked over at her and wanted to make out. I realized -- years later -- she looked so sexy because she wanted to. And there were other moments that came to mind, like when she literally rubbed herself on my back one day.

That's a very blatant "I want you to touch me in THAT way" move, and more than one girl has since done it to me. But I was so young, so naive, and had so moved on.

The thing is, a girl BeFriends you for any number of reasons, but the most common (I think) is that you (the guy) come on too strong, too fast. You're too needy, too uncertain, too into the one girl. You have no confidence. A lot of guys will ask a girl if they can kiss her. Dude, just try it. If she pulls back, stop yourself, say nothing (do NOT apologize), and act like it didn't happen. She'll let you know if she has a problem with it or not.

The thing is, when you're just getting to know a girl, you're all nervous and anxious. Yeah, she's hot or cute or just really, really nice and great. But she doesn't get to see you relax and see how much fun you have with your friends. Guys get so into one girl it just kills them. How does the human race ever manage to survive? I'm beginning to think that maybe only 1-in-4 or 1-in-5 men actually ever has any children. The rest just think they do. I hope I'm wrong.

So, my friend and I are talking about this supposed kiss-of-death that girls do just to "spare a man's feelings" (honey, if you don't like him, say so and get it over with -- if he freaks out, he'll get over it and the process will help him mature a little).

In the meantime, the two male bartenders go off to clean glasses or do whatever it is bartenders do when things are slow. But the girl, who I admit is kind of cute, keeps straightening her tight shirt, patting her hair, glancing at me, etc. And as she's doing this, my friend is asking, "So, are you dating any other girls?" Nope. I've lost almost all interest.

And there are a couple of other girls whom I came so close to wanting to be with. I mean, if Linda were not in the picture, one of them would be. But never tell a girl she is your second choice.

We moved on to how women size men up in three seconds. It's instinctive. They just glance at us and know within a moment whether we have potential. "Yeah, and the first thing they check is the shoes!" my friend ejaculates. He's right. A lot of girls start their man-scan at the feet and end at the top of his head. Three seconds: one second to scan, one second to evaluate, and one second to make the decision. After that, you're either "Maybe, I want him, or Fugeddaboutit!".

Well, my friend was waiting for the club owner to come in. She was like this totally hot lady with really cute beautiful sexy friends and he just wanted me to meet them. I finally said, as the bartender girl walked past us, "Do you know the bartender?"

He looked over at her and I saw the wheels spinning in his mind. "No. Why do you ask?"

I said, "You should go ask her name."


"Because she wants me to and we both know I won't".

My friend just stared at me in shock. For about the third time that evening (and this was by no means the first time in our friendship he has said this), he blurted out, "Man! You are SO arrogant."

Yeah. But she still wanted me to chat her up.

Sorry, girl. I'm not looking right now. But in a few years, my friend may have that confidence thing nailed down. I hope so. He's a great guy, not a "Nice Guy", but he's still working on the confidence. Then he'll understand why I don't care if he says I'm arrogant.

Yes, I'm arrogant. Some JRRT fans say that, too. But at least now I don't have to wait three years for a girl to say (if she ever will), "Hey, you had a chance."

I'm learning. I'm learning.


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